


knock knock, it's sex

by saunatonttu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bad Sex, Humour, M/M, Memes, Sex, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 03:27:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6687331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saunatonttu/pseuds/saunatonttu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thankfully, Kuroo-san distracts Kei from making any more awful puns inside his head. Unfortunately, said distraction includes whispering weird shit into his ear. </p><p>“Hey lil mama lemme whisper in your ear everything you wanna hear-”</p>
            </blockquote>





	knock knock, it's sex

**Author's Note:**

> It is exactly as awful as you imagine it is.

Kei knows what he should be doing. There’s a _rule_ to this thing, this entanglement of limbs and sweat and _awkwardness_.

That rule includes: do not yawn while you’re having sex. Don’t be rude. That dick inside you? It’s something you usually want. That you _should_ want (according to the rules of society, ones that really shouldn't apply), if you’re not asexual or demisexual or anything in the vast, beautiful spectrum that is asexuality.

So yawning is out of the question, because, you know, Kuroo-san is trying. Pitifully hard, even, just like in volleyball court, where receiving balls means something completely different.

It’s pretty pleasant, like it always is, but there’s something horribly _unsexy_ about Kuroo-san tonight. Maybe it’s because his tousled-up hair looks like that one anime character, whose name Kei refuses to remember. Something to do with -uke ending, but that’s all that Kei can recall as Kuroo-san’s very average-sized dick pushes deeper.

Average is good: no one needs a nine-inch dick disaster up their bum. Dicksaster, Bokuto-san would call it. (And he _has_ used that particular term before.)

Thankfully, Kuroo-san distracts Kei from making any more awful puns inside his head. Unfortunately, said distraction includes whispering weird shit into his ear.

“Hey lil mama lemme whisper in your ear everything you wanna hear-”

Kei inhales once. Twice. A shudder trails up his arching spine, but it is not one of pleasure. He knows where this is headed.

“If you start listing different dinosaur species alphabetically again, I _will_ kick you off the bed, Kuroo-san,” he says as evenly as possible with four or five inches of Kuroo inside his ass. He’s contented when his voice doesn’t shake as much as he thought it would.

“You said it was hot last time!” Kuroo-san insists breathlessly, his hips moving like an out-of-rhythm Macarena dancer. Kei thinks it resembles the flopping movement of a dying fish. Hot, it is not. Amusing? Yes. Does it make Kei snort? _Yes._

“I wanted to get off,” he says instead, cheeks puffing out as Kuroo-san’s face enters his view. “ _Why_ are you so surprised that I am, in fact, not a dinosexual?”

“I feel like I don’t know you anymore,” Kuroo-san says with a face that looks like it’s about to split in half from holding back from laughing for too long. That shit-eating grin is present, too, and _that’s_ a sure way to kill an erection if there’s ever been one.

(Not really; Kuroo-san has his decent moments, but Kei still can’t figure out _what_ is exactly _hot_ about him. Kuroo-san’s good side has always been his personality - outside the volleyball court, anyway, and excluding the crappy volleyball puns.)

“Kuroo-san,” Kei groans, bucking his hips and clenching his thighs impatiently. “Can we talk about this later? Just finish me off-”

“Sorry, but murder kink ain’t one of mine.”

“ _Kuroo-san_.” Why does Kei’s boyfriend have to be such a _smartass_ in the middle of sex? Kei laments this, but he knows he’s being hypocritical.

Kuroo-san has one of _those_ smiles on his face. The ones that make Kei hesitant, content, and giddy all at the same time.

Kei wants to shove a pillow at that face so that he won’t have to see that little grin tangling on Kuroo’s meme-whispering lips.

Even if their sex is as bad as one can imagine, Kei likes it all the same because Kuroo always flashes him that lovestruck grin. It’s a little different from the one that Kuroo-san has on outside the bedroom, perhaps because _now_ they both soak up in the ridiculous sap that is their love.

Ugh, gross. Kuroo-san’s sappiness is _contagious_ \- Kei has never been more disgusted.

“Knock knock,” Kuroo-san says gently, like a beginning of a heartfelt confession.

“Hmm?”

“It’s an orgasm~.”

Kei wastes no time in digging up one of the pillows below him and shoving it on Kuroo-san’s face.


End file.
